The Mental Side Of Chronic Illness

Everyone says the world is full of beauty. And it is. But the way everyone else sees the world will never be the way I see it. Many people don’t look at the world and think of what they will never be able to do physically. Like going to sleepovers, riding a bike even a scooter without getting worn down fast. My eyes don’t see what everyone else does. My eye sees the beauty and wonders of the world but they also see pain and turn moil. For so long I didn’t think I would ever experience anything challenging regarding depression and anxiety. Never did I once think that those two things would turn my life upside down forcing me to realize I wasn’t me anymore (in 2016/2017). I wasn’t genuinely happy. I was angry and bitter and jealous of those around me who could have “normal” lives. I was sad I was broken down I pushed and pushed and pushed everyone and anything away. I didn’t mean to but that’s what happened. I no longer liked leaving my house. I was so overwhelmed whenever I went anywhere. I skipped out on field trips, events that my friends were going to, even church because I was so used to my four walls. So used to being alone and only with my family. But after a while of that I felt worse mentally. For the first time in my life I had to force myself to socialize. Force myself to go to my homeschool co-op. Force myself to enter unpredictable environments socially. But why? Why all of the sudden was I like this? Why did I get so exhausted every time I socialized anywhere? I didn’t want it but at the same time  it was my new what I thought normal. And it was. For a few months.

Then I realized over the course of 6 months in 2016 that my body started to shut down. Within a week in January I lost my ability to go to church, go to school, hang out with my friends, even sit up longer then 20 minutes. I lost my life I lost who I was. For 6 months I was getting sicker and sicker and weaker and weaker. Pretty soon I couldn’t eat anything. Soon after that I could barely hold a conversation longer then 5 minutes with me being alert and understanding. After that I couldn’t lift my head up from a pillow. I couldn’t understand anything. Soon after that I almost died.

For 6 months I was on my own. Yes my friends and family visited. They are amazing and I’m so blessed. But they have lives too. Not to mention I was exhausted having any and every conversation that came my way. After those 6 months were over I thought I was only struggling physically. But after reading the beginning of this post we both know that’s not true.

June 2016 was when I almost died. January 2016 was when it all started going downhill. For a few weeks after I almost died I was still in so much shock. I knew what I went through but at the same time my feelings didn’t process. But then one night as I was taking my medicine I realized what had happened and what I just went through. I just started uncontrollably sobbing. My doctor had just told me that if it wasn’t for that life saving highly experimental treatment that he tried I wouldn’t be here today. I was in complete metabolic and mitochondrial failure and shutdown. Having mitochondrial disease my whole life that was the thing we were trying to avoid. Mitochondrial failure. My meds didn’t work, IV fluids didn’t after it got to a point. My kidneys, stomach, gut, pancreas, and who knows what else were hours away from not working.

Guys it took me several months to realize that everything that had just happened during those 6 months. It took so long for me to finally realize I wasn’t being a big baby. That these were true valid hard things to deal with mentally. Now in 2018 I’m not currently struggling with depression but I am struggling with a ton of anxiety. I’m doing much better physically and thankfully emotionally. Socializing is still hard for me. I’m sure if you know me you wouldn’t even guess that but it’s still hard. I struggle with a ton of anxiety and social anxiety now. Over the past year I’ve been able to slowly get myself out of the trenches. I’m no longer currently struggling with depression. God blessed me with being able to not be medicated and get through it. At a certain point I didn’t even know if that was possible. At times I still struggle with anger and bitterness. I still struggle with feelings about me never being “normal”. But I’ve learned through a lot of therapy that every feeling I may have is validated. I’m doing so much better now physically but that never will mean if my mental struggles are good or not.

But why am I sharing this? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because this has been something I’ve wanted to write since last year. Or maybe because I want people to know that when you struggle with your health more often then not you struggle mentally as well. Even when nothing in life is wrong you can still struggle mentally. And that is okay.